So if I must be honest, during my time in the psychiatric hospital, my moods where everywhere and my emotions were flying all over the show. My mind was playing the dangerous game that pushes us into a vicious spiral cycle; that game is called the ‘What If‘ game. That’s when we keep think what if we had done this, what if my partner doesn’t want to be with a bipolar person, what if my family don’t understand this disease (it’s a very vicious circle and we seem to do this a lot), we always play the worst case scenario in our minds.
My worst scenario in my mind while I was in hospital, is I thought my rock, my soul partner, my best friend, and the love of my life (my husband) would divorce me for some stupid reason, because of my diagnosis. I can’t tell you why this kept going through my mind. I was completely scared and the anxiety was making things worse. I was convinced he would leave me, and it frightened the hell out of me.
On one of his visits, we sat in the visitors lounge and I couldn’t let this eat away at me anymore (it was like toxic waste flowing through my veins), I thought it was best to tell him about my fears. Let me tell you that just by chatting about it with him, he realized how messed up my mind was at that stage; and guess what happened, it actually strengthened our bond.
He reassured me that he loved me so much that he would never leave my side (he still joked that he has eaten my crap for 13 years already, why would it be any different now), just now we had a diagnosis to some of my unexplained moods swings.
My rock came every night to visit me, and was there in some of my darkest moments reassuring me that he was there. Sometimes we didn’t even need to talk, just his hand holding mine was all I needed; just to know he was there by my side was all the reassurance I needed.
So I guess what I am trying to tell you all in this blog, is don’t play the ‘what if’ game because it’s poison, and we always think of the worst case scenario. Let’s rather speak openly with our loved ones, because they are our rock, our pillar of support and they are there for us in our darkest and most vulnerable moments and sometimes they need to know what ‘crap’ is going through your brain, so they know how to reassure you.
I am one lucky guy, and I dedicate this blog to the love of my life, my best friend, my rock, my pillar of strength and soul partner – Mark (love you to the moon and back babes).
(In a few days, we will be on route to the USA again to visit family and friends)
SMIS Blog 