So a full year has almost past, since the day I swallowed so many pills and eventually landed up in a psychiatric hospital. I have had up days and down days and this past month with the COVID19 pandemic, I feel like I have been having more of a down day then an up day.
On top of this I have been stuck in America for 2 months. I was supposed to fly back on the 27th of March 2020 but our country went into lock down and I and my partner got stuck in Houston, Texas. Now don’t get me wrong I love the fact that we are in such an amazing world place but one misses their own bed, their pets (or as I call them my 4 legged children), I miss my own space.
I got news last night that my flight I had readjusted to fly out on 05 May 2020 got cancelled again for the 3rd time. Well as you can imagine, I just burst into tears and cried my eyes out.
I feel like a whole year has passed and I feel like I have accomplished nothing. Besides slipping back slowly into a hole and pushing my loved ones away, I feel useless again and stuck.
They told us in the hospital that the 1st year is difficult and often one will relapse in the first year. At the time I thought it was a bunch of crap; but now I find myself sitting back at square one. Lost, stuck, emotional and exhausted. What am I meant to do?
I have tried positive mental attitude, and in the beginning everything seemed awesome and cool but very quickly that facade disappears and one is left wondering again to their own negative thoughts. It’s a pain but it’s a reality…. One I feel completely shackled too. One that seems to love terrorizing new and making me feel helpless and insecure.
Why do we always have to suffer and battle like this? I think I have had my fair share of obstacles to overcome in life (quiet a few near death ones too), and often I have been spared by the Lord (or a greater power) but for what? Just so that I can be tortured further? One starts to loose hope in this but at the same time has to try and remain strong for their loved ones around them – sigh – it’s exhausting.
I will continue to hold a brave face and to work through these emotions but I have to say it’s extra hard in a foreign country. It’s not like I can. Call my doctor and ask him to prescribe me something….not at all. The medication is different here and on top of it the time zone doesn’t help the situation.
Well I hope a lot of people out there are overcoming their mental illnesses, I really hope the COVID19 and confinement isn’t messing with anyone else’s head.
Be strong guys – I know it’s easier said than done but what other choice do we have right now.
Peace out ✌🏻
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