So my journey in Glen View psychiatric ward, has taught me one thing. After years of hiding behind so many “masks” to make other people feel important, appreciated, wanted, or whatever they needed to feel at that time in their life…….I landed up loosing myself in the process. So much so that I don’t know today who I am in life or what I want for my own life.
For years, from childhood I have been trying to please my divorced parents, trying to make them feel better, when I myself was actually shredded inside. Don’t get me wrong, I understand and acknowledge that I was loved so much by them both, that their love and battle for me ultimately tore me apart. It began to crack the inner little boy inside, he became a trophy, a prize, an award……..not a little boy.
That little boy cracked further when kids bullied him in school. The feeling of guilt shredded layers (like peeling layers from an onion) from the little boy because his parents (who he loved dearly) were always fighting telephonically or interrogating the little boy about what was happening with the other parent, he became numb, empty and emotional. The little boy lost the sense of what real emotions were, and so he learnt to adapt, manipulate, and trick each parent into seeing the feelings they needed to see, in order to know that he was ok.
Now don’t get me wrong, it was not like I turned on a switch; I did show some true emotions in the beginning, while I was figuring out which masks to wear, so that the parent would feel comfortable and safe.
But here’s the real problem that little boy grew up with those masks and began to add more and more masks, and ultimately lost himself in the process. I became so good at masking my emotions that I became confused, lost and vulnerable inside because, I no longer had control over what I was supposed to actually be feeling within myself.
The bigger problem is when friends got to close and masks would fall off and vulnerable emotions were exposed, he would immediately cut them off and retract himself from those friends to protect his vulnerability. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to be friends anymore, it’s because he was fearful that they would find that lost little boy inside.
There are days now, when I wake up and I can feel like I am on cloud nine, there are days that I can wake up and feel so depressed that all I can think about is death and how unworthy I am. These thoughts are toxic, as I will cover myself with a blanket of fear and failure, because I can’t control my internal emotions. I’m confused, frustrated and an emotional wreck because I no longer have control, it’s as if my own body has thrown me out of the control seat and is in self operating mode.
These days will still come, in fact I had a MAJOR dip two days ago, and luckily I was still in hospital, but here is the thing, you never know who you are inspiring while you fight your own battles. Even the nurses (Wizzy and Thandi – who hug me every day) couldn’t come near me because, they said their hearts were aching, that when they saw me they wanted to cry because they could see the pain. But two girls from my ward step forward, knocked on my door and said please smile because I inspire them to fight their mental illnesses. You two know who you and I thank you for your encouragement not to give up.
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