Last Leg of the Holiday – Houston, Texas

So after the hype of the wedding yesterday of Michael and Maddie Johnson; today we had to head out from our stunning Barn house in Grand Rapids back to Chicago airport to catch a flight through to Houston, Texas – to join up with the family again. During the rush of the morning, packing the last few items into the rental vehicle; ensuring the linen and rubbish was in the required space, and double checking that the Barn was left in a semi decent state, we hit the road.

Half way back on our two and a half hour drive, I began to feel down, sad and depressed; without knowing it, I became ‘Kort Aff’ (as they say in Afrikaans). Basically I was short off, not in the mood to talk or interact. Mark asked me what was wrong and if everything was ok. I couldn’t answer because, I didn’t know myself why I felt this way. I just answered saying sorry, but I feel down for some reason.

It had dawned on me that I had forgotten to take my morning dosage of the medication, and obviously with the hype of the wedding the day before, I was clearly on a downward spiral, as clearly subconsciously I am aware that all goods things must come to an end, and I know I am heading towards the last leg of our trip.

It scared me, one missed dosage of Bipolar Mood Disorder medication caused me to spiral quickly and rapidly. Mark found the closest garage and pulled over, so that I could dig through my luggage for my psychotic drugs. Realizing that my moods can fluctuate so quickly still is a little unsettling to say the least. I know that I have only been on my meds for one month, and I still have five months to go before everything is officially on track and the chemical imbalance in my brain is settled. The medication clearly plays a major part of ensuring that my mood disorder stays at a plateau.

Within a few hours of taking my meds, while waiting at the airport for our flight my mood changed for the better. I know that my dosage of my Epitec (Mood Stabilizer), was supposed to be doubled one month into the treatment plan, however with me being overseas and not near my psychologist or psychiatrist, it was advised that we wait until I return.

I told my partner, that I was sorry for feeling the way I do, and do you know what he did, he grabbed my leg and just gave it a squeeze in a loving way to say relax, he still loves me (I truly am blessed – I know I keep saying this but, I truly am).

I told him when I get to his brothers place, that I will refill my medicine box (the AM and PM medicine box I spoke earlier about in another blog), to ensure I keep track of taking my meds again.

So the moral of today’s blog is that, no matter what mental illness you have been diagnosed with, if our doctors have prescribed a medication plan, then it is important to stick to it, otherwise we could suddenly fall into a relapse without even knowing it.

I know deep down inside, that my journey in the US is coming to an end, and I need to accept this, but what is a guy supposed to do when he feels so happy and safe in a place like this. Back home in South Africa, with all the violence and political drama – I feel stuck and stressed out. I was taught in one of my group therapy sessions, while in hospital that South Africa is the second most stressful country in the world.

Do you know that subconsciously, if you feel unsafe or uneasy, that your brain subconsciously kicks into “Survival Mode“. This is the back part of our brain; without knowing it, your brain will keep your body in survival mode. This means our brains don’t switch off/relax properly. That’s why we wake up when we hear that sound in the middle of the night, or why we keep checking our rearview mirror to ensure we are not be no followed home (I do that all the time) – I have once had a group of men follow me to my other sisters-in-law’s house, and while in her driveway they cocked a gun and placed it on my forehead and told me, “Pray to your God, because tonight I will shoot you”.

Scary thing, this is literally an everyday situation for most South Africans and we just consider it normal now (I mean how the heck do we consider this normal but, we have become so numb to this type of news).

Nevertheless all good things must come to an end, so I apologize again to my followers that if I go quiet, it’s just because I am soaking in my last 10 days with family in Texas.

So until I post again, remember to take your meds and to try and do things to relax, so that you can try and get you brain out of that ‘survival mode’, even if it’s just for a weekend.

Love ya guys, and remember to keep discussing openly regarding your mental illness because we need to Smash this Stigma, and help others to understand what’s going on possibly with themselves.

Good night y’all!