Keeping a brave face

So for obvious reasons my emotions have been severely scattered, but for the sake of my husband and for the family I am trying to keep a brave face (yeah I am wearing a mask again).

I honestly feel like I am being tested, and keep questioning why 2019 has been so cruel to us. What did I throw out to the universe, that I need to be continuously tested and pushed to my limits.

In a period of two months, I have gone from being invisible/indestructible, to a mental break down (a severely vulnerable state), a brother-in-law passing away and Mark and I surviving a sever but traumatic car accident.

I think of myself as a good person; I do my best to give love to everyone and to show support where I can, yet I can’t help but feel like I am being punished.

Why?

What have I done wrong?

I am fighting so hard to remain strong, when all I want to do is breakdown and cry! I don’t know if maybe the incident has provoked my mood, but I feel like I am on a spiral effect, when all I can do is smile and show everyone I am strong, and alright.

Besides Tuesday’s incident the holiday has actually been fantastic, and I have made some awesome memories and witnessed a union of love between family, yet I can’t shake this negativity that keeps leeching away at the back of my brain.

‘The what if game’, is constantly playing in my mind currently, which they taught us in therapy to avoid, but how am I supposed to shake this if I can’t help thinking things like, what if I hadn’t forgotten the charger and ran in the house to fetch it, would we have still been in the accident, what if we had woken up earlier.

It’s a sick game but, it’s human nature – so what is one to do.

I guess the only thing to do is stop thinking and just try and put the past in the past and focus on the positive stuff but that’s difficult, when you wake up every morning feeling new pains and aches. I am unfortunately also away from my psychiatrist and psychologist to discuss how I am feeling.

I understand that what I am feeling is human nature, and I am allowed to cry but I don’t want to show weakness currently. So for now I will wear my brave mask, and wait for the opportunity when I am alone, so I can just cry and let it all out.

Hopefully God understands that my limits have been pushed and that I still am grateful for everything, so no more tests please.

Have a great Friday my friends!