In Gods Hands

So it’s with a sad heart that I have once again said good bye to Houston, Texas. Although this has most definitely been our most scariest trip in our entire lives, I am still taken back by the true concern of people in Texas. It is like a different world, where one individual looks out for another (without expecting something in return).

I have been at turmoil with the whole accident situation that took place on Tuesday the 9th of July 2019. I have had mixed emotions, and have been fighting to remain tactful and human in front of the love of my life and his family. I won’t lie, and admit that it finally did hit me a bit when sitting in the airport waiting for our flight, and in the end couldn’t hold back a few tears.

I quickly covered them up as I didn’t want to make a scene, and have scheduled a meeting with my psychologist for 2pm on Thursday SA time (we land at 06:00 the same day), as I can’t let this toxic poison continue to eat away at me mentally and emotionally. I have been wearing masks this past week, allowing my mom in Cape Town, sister in Australia to hear me in a chirpy and happy state, when actually inside I feel something completely different – I also understand that these feelings are normal for a person with Bipolar Mood Disorder, but I just can’t help the way I feel internally.

I have personally felt that 2019, has not been my year and that my faith is being tested. I have felt attacked, betrayed, confused and stunned by my own body and things that have taken place these past two months. You can’t blame me for thinking stupid things – like why didn’t I just die in that accident, then my worries and stress would be over – I could be at peace…..my mind could be at peace.

But then my mother and sister-in-law both said something very interesting to me, which began to make sense but, I am still working on getting my emotions to coincide with this thinking. My mom, reminded me that in my 34 years of life, I have faced numerous dangerous challenges (Such as the hi-jacking with the cocked gun to my forehead, like the time I almost drowned in the ocean in Cape Town, like when I was brutally attacked by guys for my bicycle when I was in primary school), but like she reminded me, I came out unscathed and very fortunate every time, as if God himself had placed his hands over me for protection, and he clearly did it again with this past accident.

When I watched the footage for the first time, I actually got goosebumps thinking that was actually Mark and myself in that car, and even though I am suffering, I am grateful to be alive.

Patty reminded me that God is not testing me, it’s the devil testing me trying to break me down. She also reminded me that God has a wonderful way of working things out, and maybe this accident was what I needed to help me find my future. After she told me this, the very next day I was reminded twice on two random times in a shop about what she was telling me, special quotes that were on plates or kitchen towels (almost like a sign).

So even though there will be struggles, and I doubt this has been the last, and I may still face even greater challenges, I will just need to remember that I’m leaving it Gods hands and He will ultimately decide my path.

So Lord, I place my trust in you, please help me find and achieve my dreams.