claustrophobia – learning the hard way.

So yesterday was a very interesting day. Mark (my husband) and I had to go see a specialist yesterday regarding why our backs are still in so much pain from the accident that took place on the 09.07.2019.

That day still rings like a tower bell in my mind. I know some of you may say I keep hamper on the past but, that day is still one of my most traumatic days in my life, and the only reason why I feel people don’t understand, is because they don’t know my whole story. Our accident happened in early July 2019, but what some of you new comers don’t know is in early May 2019, I basically tried taking my own life in some subconscious way. I swallowed so many pills, that I landed up in a psychiatric ward for 17 days. After recovering from that and realizing what I had done, and understanding my diagnoses, I was on my way to recovery. Flash forward 4 weeks later and Mark (the very man who fought to keep me alive and to get my mind right) lands up in a car with me that rolled 4 times on a major highway in Texas.

Now this is the tricky bit for people to understand (if you watch the video of our accident, you wouldn’t believe we should be alive – but we are). In 2 months I escaped death twice (once on my own accord and another out of my hands) – people don’t understand how that plays on your brain and kind of stuffs your emotions around.

I am still seeing a therapist (psychologist) and next week I see my psychiatrist to explain all of this crap in my brain to him. So hopefully that gives a little insight into what currently is going on in my brain.

Nevertheless, I am currently in a good space, I am trying to practice what A LOT of people have told me, which is take each day with a new step forward. I have my jam in my car that I play to help me get in the right frame of mind for the day. So I am working through this at my own pace.

I know I have side tracked above but, I now understand that I am claustrophobic. Have you ever been in a MRI machine? Holy sh!t balls – it’s intense, narrow and flippen noisy. Word of advise, if you think you can’t handle being in tight spaces, and you complete the questionnaire before your MRI procedure, don’t be brave like I was and say NO to the claustrophobia question, rather say YES and accept the sedative available to calm you down.

I lay in that machine for 45 minutes and honestly I felt like I was in a coffin. However I made it through, by practicing what my last blog taught us on how to calm down when you feel a panic attack coming. I shut my eyes, and focused on my breathing; as much as I tried going to my happy place, it was hard – that machines clucks so loud, that it vibrates right through you literally. So my method was to shut my eyes so I couldn’t see how close the inside walls of the MRI machine was, I focused on lying completely still (because you have to) and did my best to drain out as much of the noise as I could and focused on my breathing – and guess what I got through that 45 minutes (I won’t lie and say it was fun, I came out completely drenched in sweat but I made it).

So remember guys, say YES to the sedative if you are doing a MRI and don’t do confined spaces very well.

Have an awesome Thursday.


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