So it has been five and a half month’s since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Mood Disorder, and all I can say now is, “WOW”. My life has done a complete turn around around since then, and damn do I feel good.
I have really taken a completely different outlook on life and it’s absolutely fabulous. I will not lie, it hasn’t been an easy journey getting here and it definitely had it’s up and downs, and despite the many, many blows that myself and my family have received this year, I can finally say that my mind is in a really good place.
I am dedicate to my program and to my medication, and it has helped me a great deal. Now here is were most people go wrong, people often in my shoes will now believe that they are “cured” and will go off the medication and stop following their program – and that’s the BIGGEST mistake any of us can do.
I am committed to staying on my medication, even if it’s for the rest of my life, because I don’t ever want to be that vulnerable boy smeared in darkness, despair and agony. That was a very dark place that almost cost me my life, and why the hell would I want to ‘chance it’ and go back to that horrid place.
My program originally involved me seeing my psychologist every week but I have progressed to the point where I only have to see her every second week, and we may be reaching the point where I may only have to see her monthly. That is major strides (and I am not tooting my own horn, I am just proud of myself and where I have come).
This past two weeks, have been good for me as I have for the first time not only stood up once for myself, but twice. My psychologist was so proud of where I have come that she actually stood up and gave me a round of applause before giving me a massive hug to say WELL DONE.
Many of my friends and family will say, that I used to often go off on a tangent, and would rant and rave on social media when something has gone wrong in my life; and guess what I haven’t done that in ages because, despite what is going on in my life, I choose not to engage with the negativity life throws at me. Don’t get me wrong I don’t ignore it but, I choose not to get sucked into it. I will always be there for family and friends when they need me, but I will not allow it to pull me down like it used to in the past. My Facebook account has not seen me as often but, that is not a bad thing, it just means that I have been enjoying my life.
These shoulders of mine are done carrying negative weight on them, and I am enjoying the lightness of them now. I am doing my best to do good and I went to surprise a friend last night, one that has been battling his own demons and who I haven’t seen in ages. It felt so good to be there for a friend and to be there to spread love and light. The amazing message I got afterwards was proof on how far I have come, and the message struck me giving me instant goosebumps. The message basically welcomed me back (the 100% authentic me) and that my energy is bright and full and that I basically gave him energy by just being in the same room as him.
Even though I am in a great mind space currently, this is still a non-stop learning journey; I have had to peel layers and learn to accept that my feelings do matter and that I don’t have to pretend to show someone what they need to see. That has been the hardest to work through because for years (since a child) I learned to show people what they wanted to see and not what I was feeling but, in five and a half months I have almost completely broken this habit.
I am feeling good about myself and I didn’t want to write this blog to smear my happiness in peoples face, I am hoping to show fellow bipolar mood disorder readers out there, that if you stick and commit to the program, you will also eventually be in this happy space.
As a reward for reaching this point in my life, I went out and got a fresh tattoo on the inside of my arm. The tattoo is a modern take on the gay pride flag, and I did this because I am proud of who I am and where I have come in life. I don’t need to pretend for anyone moving forward, and the bright happy colors reflect where my spirit is – it’s happy and cheerful and hopeful for the future.
So if you are freshly diagnosed with Bipolar Mood Disorder or any other psychological disorder, I want you to know that I was in your shoes too. I was in that dark place you are now, and I know it feels like there is no hope, no light, no future……But I am living proof. You have to commit and stick to the program, and follow through with your medication and I guarantee you will come out stronger and happier on the other side.
Remember guys, if you are in a dark place and feel suicidal, there is absolutely NO SHAME in reaching out to a loved one for help, and if you can’t reach out to a loved one, then see your local GP or pick up the phone and call your local Suicidal Crisis Line.
Remember no matter how dark it is, there is always light and hope!